That Day, and Since

That Day, and Since

Forget?

Impossible.

Lives lost in flamed towers,

toppled, we steer, unmoored—we move

forward.

 

This is a Crapsey Cinquain (syllables 2/4/6/8/2) for Colleen’s Tanka Tuesday, using synonyms for plan and finish.

On 9/11 I always think of this song from the musical Ordinary Days—performed here by Audra McDonald. I think it goes with my poem.

 

 

 

 

 

For Beauty to Happen

Monday Morning Musings:

 

Warren:

For beautiful to happen, the beautiful has got to be seen

Deb:

Okay. I like that shade of red right there

The spot where the apple is peeling

It’s deep as an ocean but lighter than air

Warren:

It’s simple, familiar, and full of feeling

Deb:

The color of Saturdays here at the Met

Warren:

The color of shouting from rooftops

Deb:

You bet!

Warren:

The color of feeling that life is okay

Deb:

The color of an ordinary day

Adam Gwon, “Beautiful” from the musical Ordinary Days

 

“What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.”

–T.S. Eliot, “Little Giddings”

 

We planned for seventeen

but expected sixteen

I bake challahs,

a freezer full,

enough to give some away.

img_4380

I buy brisket,

take the plastic-wrapped tray from the butcher’s hands,

I look at the package–

no, she has never seen my family eat brisket,

I pick up another package.

 

I cook,

we clean,

I buy myself flowers to decorate the table–

we never have flowers inside

because of the cats,

just this once I think.

img_4433

A series of texts and calls

and there are now fourteen coming to dinner

then thirteen

then eleven.

Final answer.

As guests start to arrive

(The soup is bubbling on the stove.)

one cat is vomiting.

I’m worried he’s eaten flowers that are toxic,

I confer with daughter on the phone.

It doesn’t look like any of the flowers were nibbled.

I decide he’s probably okay.

(I hope he’s okay.)

 

The sun did not come out,

but there is a beauty to the fall breeze,

an ordinary day, beautiful.

The birds and squirrels chatter to one another,

“Fall is coming.”

 

In this year of bullets and bombs,

of hate-filled speech and lurid lies,

I welcome thoughts of a sweet new year,

old traditions that bring comfort,

even without belief

I don’t need god to believe

in man and woman,

and love.

 

We pour the wine,

my niece makes a toast

she reminds us of the importance of family

of love

of gathering together

of being there when others are in need.

 

We dip our apples in honey,

img_4437

We’re eating challah and drinking wine

talking with loved ones

and loving the talk.

(We love to talk.)

 

Dinner is full of symbols for the new year–

cycles, sweetness, prosperity–

in the round shape of the challah

full circles of life,

the ordinary made beautiful on reflection,

the golden pumpkin-yellow split pea soup

the burst of red pomegranate in the salad

the apples

tart and sweet—like life.

img_4444

 

My mom starts to mention traveling to Boston

I catch my niece’s eye–

pour more wine—

oh, family!

 

We talk about TV shows,

we talk about school,

there’s a discussion on teachers and parenting,

middle school kids,

Axe body spray and middle school boys

“It smells like BO,” says my niece

“I’d rather smell a room full of Axe than the smell of boys after gym class,”

says my daughter, who teaches 8th grade.

“I keep air freshener to spray in the room at the end of the day.”

(Perhaps sometimes the ordinary does not smell beautiful. But those kids–bursting with life!)

 

We’ve eaten our fill–

plenty of food–

because what if there isn’t enough!

Food for meat eaters and vegetarians

Brisket

img_4447

Turkey

img_4424

Noodle Kugel

img_4449

and enough for all to take some home

 

And then dessert. We want a very sweet year.

Apple Cake

fullsizerender-43

Baklava

img_4428

And brownies with sea salt, too.

(because chocolate)

 

We missed those who could not join us.

I send the flowers home with my mom.

The beginning and end come full circle.

We clean the house.

My cat is fine.

See the beauty.

It is all around,

in the red of an apple

in the golden flow of honey,

in the eye of your child

in the touch of love,

and in the purr of a cat, too.

img_4450

L’Shana Tova

A sweet year!

L’Chaim

To life!

Peace to all

Shalom

14520435_10209430273449804_1202448369604993805_n

Simple Pleasures: Sun and Clouds

Monday Morning Musings

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

–Albert Einstein

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain

Today is stormy; yesterday was bright and sunny. Such is life.

I had intended to write about another topic today, but sometimes I need to remind myself how fortunate I am. Sometimes I feel like I should pause. Freeze. Stop. Bookmark this day on a site in my brain. It’s just an ordinary day of simple pleasures, and one of many, but one I would like to take out of a memory box to reexamine someday.

My husband and I took a walk yesterday morning. We went to the park in our town. I left my phone at home. We were living in the moment. We walked on a path and gazed out at the Delaware River. Yup, Philadelphia is still there. The sun was shining, the river lapped the shore, and a steady breeze kept the heat down. It was beautiful. A grandfather taught his young grandchildren how to fish from the stony beach. Mothers wheeled their babies in carriages. A little girl carried a bunch of colorful balloons. A church group held a service in a pavilion. My husband and I walked and talked. He watched while I did an occasional sprint and ran up the stairs to the battlefield site and did tricep dips on a park bench. We saw a friend who was getting her exercise in, and we stopped to chat for a few minutes. I told my husband we must do this again because we are lucky to have such a place nearby. I am fortunate because my husband agreed to stop what he was doing to walk with me in the park. He is a good man.

After the park, we both worked and did household chores. My husband took a nap. Our daughter and her fiancé stopped by late in the afternoon to tell us about a house they thought they were going to rent. We drank coffee, and my daughter ate a piece of the banana chocolate chip cake I had made the day before. (“See, this is why I won’t fit into my wedding gown,” she said laughingly to her boyfriend. She does not have to worry. She has youth on her side.) We laughed at the antics of one of the cats who positioned himself on the table.

After they left, my husband and I ate homemade pizza for dinner. I had some wine. We watched Orphan Black. I did not do all the work I intended to do. But there’s today, right?

The day got cloudy. My daughter texted me to say the landlord had changed his mind and would not allow pets. So now they must find a new place to rent, and quickly. I feel for them. In fact, I was nearly as upset as my daughter was. I’m hoping they will be able to find someplace that is better. It is difficult to find a rental house that permits pets.

We had thunderstorms during the night.

Yesterday was an ordinary day. It was bright and sunny; it got grey and stormy. But somehow it was special.

My Big Picture Is More Like an Etch-A-Sketch

 

In the musical Ordinary Days, four twenty-somethings explore, discuss, worry about, and celebrate their “life stories” and “big pictures.” Eventually, they all come to realize that life stories and big pictures can be changed irrevocably for better or worse in a few seconds by chance meetings and unforeseen events.

 A few weeks ago, one of my daughters, also a twenty-something, told me that a couple of her work colleagues had their lives all charted in tidy five-year plans. They were incredulous when she told them she has a job and apartment through June, but after that she has no idea of where she’ll be or what she’ll be doing.

Although no one wants to be homeless or suddenly unemployed, a detailed five-year life plan of exactly how you expect your life to be seems both unrealistic and simplistic to me.  I’m not saying don’t dream or have goals, but your life plan to have two kids, a dream house, and successful career by age 30 just might not happen, or not in the way you anticipate. Life happens, and sometimes it’s messy, startling, and unpredictable. Besides who wants to know everything that will happen in their future? Sometimes life also brings sudden, astonishing good things, too. Surprises, including unexpected career paths, can be wonderful.

As Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus says, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!”

So put money in savings, buy insurance, and send out your résumé, but get messy, too. Color outside the lines of your big picture.

I think about my daughters—and myself—all of us planners. We make daily and weekly to-do lists and charts. We plan our days. We like to know in advance where we’re going with friends, what movie we’re seeing, who will be at this or that holiday dinner, and what food we’ll eat. Although we all have dreams, goals, and desires, I don’t know if they have envisioned a “big picture” in their own lives. I know I have never had one. In fact, I haven’t quite decided what I want to do or who I want to be when I grow up.  So girls, it just might be hereditary.

Image

I was an elementary/early childhood major as an undergraduate, mainly because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was interested in a lot of things—literature, writing, history, art, music—but I didn’t know what to do with those interests. After graduating, my boyfriend and I got married, and he became a high school math teacher—a very good one—and he has had a teaching career he’s enjoyed (for the most part). I taught preschool, but it was not really wanted I wanted to do.

So I probably did have some kind of very vague big picture as a young twenty-something: we would get married, and perhaps some day way in the future we’d have children and perhaps own a house. We do have two daughters (I could not have predicted that they would turn out to be as wonderful as they are—smart, passionate, creative, talented. And how would I have planned for that anyway?), but I did not have our first until we’d been married for nine years and I was nearly finished with graduate school, where I earned a doctorate in American history. I wrote, I taught at local colleges and universities, and the same year my first book was published, I took a one-year position at a nearby university with delusions of grandeur, the university, not me. I had no such illusions. In fact, I discovered one day that I taught an entire class period with my nursing bra unhooked under my (fortunately baggy) sweater.  Nope, no delusions of grandeur in my life story. This college also had the most dysfunctional history department ever. I am probably not exaggerating here. The professors had been pretty much been ordered to start playing nicely together. They didn’t. My year there and a friend’s horrible tenure experience at another college cured me of wanting to pursue a life in academia.

So then there was more soul searching. A friend and I attempted to create children’s history programs and write a children’s book. Those endeavors didn’t work out, but we had certainly had fun trying–and had some great lunches, too. Finally, the same friend introduced me to test writing. I had never before considered that people were actually employed to create test questions and tests. I seem to be good at it. So now I work as a freelance test writer, and I write and edit academic books. I blog for fun.

But both my grandfathers lived to be over 90 years old, and my mom is going on 92, so I figure, I still have plenty of time to start a new career–if I want one.

We can’t anticipate illness or unexpected heartbreaks. We can plan our days, we can save for a rainy day or a polar vortex, and we can outline a blog post or essay. However, even what one plans to write turns—often mid-sentence–into something else entirely. OK. Maybe that’s just me. My sentences sometimes have lives of their own. Perhaps they see the big picture that I’m missing. I can deal with that.

My life story and big picture are like the unfinished sentence that morphs into a new train of thought—random strands that create something new. But I think I much prefer the active and ever-changing Etch-A-Sketch life to that of framed and finished oil canvas, hung in a gallery and forgotten. Perhaps I want the nuances of a chiaroscuro drawing in my big picture, with contrasts between light and dark, shadow and light. That is how I see my life. I don’t know what my big picture will finally look like, or how I will appear in it. Today is just another day—ordinary and special. Just the say, I’ll keep my to-do list close by. After all, there are always errands to do and calls to make, and one of those might lead to something unexpected and wonderful, a new draft for my big picture.